How Do I Trust Again? Part 5
HOW DO I TRUST AGAIN?
I understand now that a big part of my wanting to know why David strayed was my attempt to control the future. I believed that if I understood his reasoning, then I could ensure adultery never happened again. If I was to blame than I could change. If our marriage lacked something, I could fill that void. “IF” and “I” ruled my life. I lived in fear, paralyzed by the thought of ever hurting like I did again. I wanted to close up, close down and close shop. Living alone was far preferable to the risk trust demanded.
God knew there was no way I could have stopped David from his choice anymore than I can stop him from repeating this behavior in the future. His soul issues are his alone. I’m not in control of anyone but me, but I had not yet learnt this hard truth.
That big word trust plagued me. Disappointment loomed large. I wanted answers. I begged God to tell me if I could, would or should trust David. The last thing I expected was to have God tell me to forget about trusting David and seek Him first.
Though this section directly deals with betrayal in marriage, for those of you, who are working through other types of betrayal, place your situation here and think about how much you honestly trust God. Ask yourself if your situation has rocked your confidence and trust in your ability to make a sound decision. Then read the following account with open eyes to your soul, your struggle, your betrayal. God will undoubtedly ask you…Do you trust me?
Journal Entry
Australia, January 2009
Walking along the shoreline today a profound sense of thankfulness filled me. The thunder of surf seamlessly joined with my praise and I remembered the scripture in Luke 19 where Jesus said if the people do not praise, even the stones will cry out. My heart opened enough to hear—to see. I realized how preoccupied I’ve been with my pain, how the stones, waves, all creation has had to cry out in praise on my behalf.
I plunked to the sand, and lifted my head. As far as the eye could see a vast expanse of crystalline water spread before me. Endless beach stretched out on either side of me. I sat all alone, but God’s presence felt so incredibly near.
I heard a whisper float across the dancing water, “Will you trust me?”
In my mind’s eye an ancient chest with my name carved into the wood lay before me. Weathered, worn and beaten, this battered box represented my life. That still small voice encouraged me to open the lid and take out the word BETRAYAL and all it encompassed.
I found myself weeping as I pulled this heartache out into the open. The sting of my husband’s betrayal surfaced. My tortured childhood lay open...out of the shadows of secrecy and denial.
God began to speak into my spirit. He reminded me that He too had been betrayed, which I had not thought about for a long time. A kindred Spirit washed over me as I grasp the fact...He understood the depth of my sorrow.
The mystery of how a husband could speak words of love yet reach out to another, or a parent beat a child senseless, yet still say they loved, haunted me. In those sacred moments of wind, sea and God, He answered this conundrum. Where I had concluded that those who betrayed me could not possibly love, God reminded me that Peter loved Him and yet betrayed Him.
I thought about both Judas and Peter. They had walked with Jesus, learned from Jesus and yet handled the aftermath of their personal failure so drastically different. Peter repented, faced his shame, and went on to become a mighty man of God. Judas despaired, contained the darkness within, and committed suicide. Betrayal, condemnation and suicide did not have to be the end of his story. God desired restoration, and still does today. He will never turn away a repentant heart.
Something profound happened there on that beach under the canopy of cerulean blue and sun-drenched loveliness. God wrapped His arms around me. He asked me to trust Him, and then He poured the healing balm of truth over my wound. Betrayal and victim mentality will NOT be the end of my story. He has a greater plan.
Tonight I hurt a little less.
~ ~ ~
To be continued...
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About the author
Blossom Turner is an award-winning novelist, and a free-lance writer published in Chicken Soup and Kernels of Hope anthologies, and former newspaper columnist on health and fitness. A Word Guild semi-finalist for Anna's Secret, Katherine's Arrangement, Amelia’s Heartsong, and a Word Guild winner for Best Romance for Lucinda’s Defender. She has found her home in the writing of historical fiction but is open to wherever God leads. The many 5-star reviews attest to the power of love and romance authentically woven into the Shenandoah Bride Series about five sisters and their five love stories.
Blossom lives in British Columbia, Canada, with her husband, David, of forty years and their dog Lacey named after Lacey Spring, Virginia, where this series takes place. A former businesswoman, personal trainer, and mother of two grown children she is now pursuing her lifelong dream of writing full-time. A hopeless romantic at heart, she believes all story should give the reader significant entertainment value. However, her writing embodies the struggles of real life. She infuses the reality of suffering with the hope of Christ to give a healthy dose of relatable encouragement to her reader. Her desire is to leave the reader with a yearning to live for Christ on a deeper level, or at the very least, create a hunger to seek for more.
Co-author Suzie Zanewhich
Suzie is a certified life coach, leader of emotional health, and resource specialist. She has found her niche as a soul coach.
Suzie finds purpose in empowering individuals to move towards growth, healing, and alignment with their authentic self. Suzie is driven by a calling to live authentically, as the person God created her to be, to reach her fullest potential and lead others to do the same. Her passion is to help others find meaning through discovering their strengths, gifts, personality, temperament and core values.
Suzie is a life-long learner, continuously immersing herself in new courses to learn more about human behaviour, relationships, psychology, child development, emotions, trauma and healing. Because of her craving to always learn more she has earned the title of resource specialist in the area of self-discovery.
Suzie Zanewich lives with her husband in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. She has a patchwork family of four grown children, two daughters, two sons and three granddaughters.
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